"THE GAME OF FOOTBALL LOOSENS TEETH"

Last words of the Tooth Fairy's ancestor,

uttered on the battlefield of Charles Darwin

(Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus meet at the intersection of Sanity and Imagination in Great

AmeriClara. They are stopped on the Imagination side. Tacked to a phone pole on the

Sanity side, a sheet of paper flaps in the breeze.)

SC:

Hey Tooth Fairy, long time no see! How's business?

TF:

Well, lately it's been like pulling teeth. Kids watch too much TV and don't believe in me.

SC:

Ho, ho, ho!

TF:

We've got to stop meeting like this, y'know, like out in public. It's not funny! The North Pole is better.

SC:

Why . . .

TF:

Why I was just about to say, c"mon people can hear us here. Let's discuss results, not how we agreed to finance them. People like results.

SC:

Like how the Elves and I got chosen to be leaders of Great AmeriClara? Obviously, we are suited for the job.

TF:

Results, man! Build a stadium for our team, and Great AmeriClara will bask in the glory of the Candlestick Crushers. Results! You will be known far and wide as the leaders who engineered the deal. Crowds of fans will bring lots of new business to your City. Hotel taxes will fill your coffers.

SC:

Oh, yes. Yes we like the sound of that cash coming in. And we appreciate what you've done that can't be talked about on the street.

TF:

Of course there is the little matter of your gift to us, the subsidy. Tooth Fairy business is lagging these days, and football business is worse. But we can't alienate the people who put you up as leaders, paid their taxes without expecting that $444 million [1] of their tax dollars would be spent on building a stadium, and who will get to vote our deal up or down. And there is that annoying Environmental Impact Report they'll get to read before they vote.

(A black bird flies overhead and lands on the telephone pole, right next to the flapping piece of paper, and squawks: Look at this! Nevermind how absurd this seems. Political theatre is fraught with magic . . .)

TF:

The way that bird stares makes me feel insecure and nervous. We'd better go look.

(Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus look both ways before crossing, then step gingerly to the Sanity side of the intersection.)

SC:

See here, it says: GREAT AMERICLARA NFL STADIUM PROJECT

AIR QUALITY ASSESSMENT

AMERICLARA, CALIFORNIA

TF:

The EIR! Changed my mind. Don't want to look.

SC:

Want that bird to peck you? I'm looking, and it says it was prepared by Scrooge and McDickens -- Acoustics, Air Quality [2]

TF:

OK, I'm opening my eyes now. There's a page underneath, says SECTION 8.0, SIGNIFICANT UNAVOIDABLE IMPACTS. Lots of words. I'm decoding . . .

SC:

Let me . . .It says there's no real way of avoiding the following impacts:

A substantial increase in noise during stadium events, likely up to 46 times per year

Noise from construction, approximately 28 months

Project would generate regional air pollutants in excess of established thresholds

Impact on 8 intersections in Great AmeriClara as many as 8 times per year

Impact up to 8 times per year on up to 17 freeway segments weekday evenings

TF:

It doesn't look good. In brief, taxpayers of Great AmeriClara will have purchased noise, traffic and pollution with their hard earned tax dollars.

SC:

And they get to vote on this. With Depression 2.0 developing, it's going to be hard to squeeze out those tax dollars. Tooth Fairy, I do believe you'd better get your media blitz going.

TF:

More than a blitz, man. Results! We'll promise free hot dogs at all Candlestick Crusher home games. It's not quite circuses and cake, but maybe close enough. Times change. Besides -- it's football!

(End of Act One)

[1} Accounting for the $444 million total, which differs from that reported in area newspapers, may be seen by clicking on the following link:

http://stadiumfacts.blogspot.com/

[2] This tale was inspired by the Draft Environmental Impact Report on file at the City of Santa Clara, which may be accessed by clicking on the following link:

http://santaclaraca.gov/city_gov/49er-Stadium-DEIR.html